Return to Axel's Pub
Horse Sense
A comedy sketch written by Scott Hendricks©1992
Recorded on the debut album, 'Keelhauler'
Performed by Gary Amadon & Scott Hendricks
The scene opens in a small port town in the early fifteen hundreds.
The town bustles with excitement as villagers make there way through the narrow streets
and the shopkeepers hawk their wares. The sounds of animals on there way to market fill
the air.
Enter Gibbon the Troubadour, whistling, as he has just pulled into port from a long and
tiring journey. Making a beeline for the pub, poor Gibbon is accosted by Fenwick Biggle,
(a thinly disguised Axel the Sot).
Fenwick: (To Gibbon) “Good day to you minstrel!”
Gibbon: “Good day to you merchant.”
Fenwick: “Please sir, come in and see my wares”
Gibbon: “Ah, not today my fine fellow, I must be about my business.”
Fenwick: “Oh come on, just have a look.”
Gibbon: “But I must away sir, I go to sing at Willie I.O.'s Tavern.”
Fenwick: “Surly you have but a few moments sir, I haven't had a customer all day, I beg of you.”
Gibbon: “Well...”
Fenwick: “Oh please sir...please, Please, PLEASE!”
Gibbon: “Alright, alright.”
Fenwick: “Oh bless you sir.”
Gibbon: “So what are you selling then?”
Fenwick: “Why...Horses sir.”
Gibbon: “Horses?”
Fenwick: “Yes sir.”
Gibbon: “Where?”
Fenwick: “Right here sir.”
Gibbon: “You call those horses?”
Fenwick: “Well, only the finest horses in all the village.”
Gibbon: “They look like rejects from the glue factory.”
Fenwick: “Oh no sir, the rejects are over there.”
Gibbon: “What, behind that pile?”
Fenwick: “They are that pile sir.”
Gibbon: “Ah... Yes... Well, don't you think you should dispose of them?”
Fenwick: “Oh no sir, they keep the flies off the other horses.”
Gibbon: “Can't argue with that.”
Fenwick: “Also I'm going to use there hides to make some new clothes for me and the missus.”
Gibbon: “Are you curing them?”
Fenwick: “I'm afraid it's to late for that sir.”
Gibbon: “Yes...well I must be off...”
Fenwick: “But you haven't even looked at the merchandise.”
Gibbon: “To be truthful sir, I don't have very much money.”
Fenwick: “Ah...well that's the beauty part sir. You don't need much money.”
Gibbon: “I don't?”
Fenwick: “Oh no sir, I mean look... Would you pay much money for these horses?”
Gibbon: “Once more your logic is irrefutable...Lead on sir, (aside)You are a very strange fellow.”
Fenwick: “Thank you sir...Now this first model is a real beauty,shiny coat,low mileage,new shoes,and not a scratch on her. Why, this horse was only ridden by a little old lady on Sundays to go to church.”
Gibbon: “Well, what happened to it's back?”
Fenwick: “Whatsa...What's wrong with it?”
Gibbon: “Well, considering that, that particular horse's back is sitting where it's stomach should be, I should say that theres plenty wrong with it.”
Fenwick: “Ah...Yes sir, I can see you have a keen eye for horses. Unfortunately the little old lady who rode that, had a weight problem.”
Gibbon: “How much?”
Fenwick: “Um...About five hundred pounds sir.”
Gibbon: “I should think it was the horse that the weight problem.”
Fenwick: “Ah, very funny sir, thou hast wit.”
Gibbon: “Yes, well...”
Fenwick: “Come sir, forget about that one. You obviously know too much about horses to settle for anything second rate. Now, over here we have our top of the line. I call this one El Diablo, he's got a lot of spirit so don't get too close!”
Gibbon: “Right...I wouldn't want him to fall on me.”
Fenwick: “You hurt me sir.”
Gibbon: “Well look at him, and why is he sitting like that?”
Fenwick: “Oh,ah...Well all champion stallions sit like that, it's a sign of good breeding.”
Gibbon: “Its a sign that someone's cut his back legs off!”
Fenwick: “Well...yeah, that too...But he's a good horse sir, look at those teeth, look at that fine muscle tone. Why this very horse the King himself once rode. He's smart, he's loyal, why, he even saved my life once.”
Gibbon: “Well than why in in heavens name did you cut his back legs off?”
Fenwick: “Sir, you can't eat such a fine animal as this all at once!”
Gibbon: “You ate him?!!!”
Fenwick: “Just his back legs sir.”
Gibbon: “Well, how do you ride him?”
Fenwick: “Oh, I wouldn't try if I were you sir. Ever since I cut off his back legs, he's been very suspicious.”
Gibbon: “Yes, well I don't think I'd have much time to take care of a horse like that.”
Fenwick: “You don't have to sir, he's used to pulling his own weight.”
Gibbon: “Ah... you have a bit of wit yourself good merchant.”
Fenwick: “Thank you sir.”
Gibbon: “Now if you'll excuse me...”
Fenwick: “Wait, please sir, I'm sure I have the right horse for you...How about this one?”
Gibbon: “Should his legs be sticking up in the air like that?”
Fenwick: “Ah...Never mind...How about this one? She's young, she's strong, she's gentle...”
Gibbon: “She's got horns.”
Fenwick: “Yes sir, at no extra charge.”
Gibbon: “Now look! I may not know much about horses, but I do know enough about them to tell that this is, in fact a cow.”
Fenwick: “She's very strong sir.”
Gibbon: “That's as may be, but it's still a cow!”
Fenwick: “Make me an offer.”
Gibbon: “Look, what would I do with a cow?”
Fenwick: “Well... you could eat it.”
Gibbon: “Yes that's true enough, but, (he asks hoping to get one more laugh out of this silly sketch) How could I carry the extra meat?”
Fenwick: “Why, you could load it onto your horse.”
Gibbon: “But I don't have a horse.”
Fenwick: “No?”
Gibbon: “No!”
Fenwick: “Well than you've come to the right place sir. How about this one, he's young, strong reliable...” (fade out)